Moving a Dead Body

Many years ago, while walking through my university campus with a male friend on a starry, moonlit night, we passed by a dark, secluded spot. I leaned into him and whispered, “Damn. This would be a great spot to dump a dead body”.

In spite of, or possibly because of, my knowledge of prime dead body drop-off locations, that boy decided to spend the rest of his life with me. And to this day, he expresses his disbelief at that comment.

The point is that I have an unhealthy obsession with real life crime stories, a fancy for the workings of the judicial system, and an inappropriately morbid sense of humor.

I would have been a forensic expert if it was not for my ungodly fear of blood and dead bodies. I couldn’t watch more than one season of Game of Thrones because of all the gore.

In any case, I’ve been MIA for the last 3 weeks here. I wasn’t kidnapped or teleported into another universe – we were simply moving houses. And I am just so f-ing tired.

And in my first ever post on this blog, I told you how parenting is exactly like jury duty. I now present another metaphor for your consideration: moving a house is exactly like moving a dead body.

More on the abode move another time, but for now, I present to you Exhibit A:

  • Packing etiquette: Much like moving a dead body, if you don’t want things rolling out of their wrapping, or the neighbors eyeing what you are moving, pack things properly. Husband dear wrapped the heck out of furniture so thankfully no valuables were sacrificed during the move.
  • Location, location, location: When buying a house, much like burying a dead body, location is key. We researched the crap out of where we wanted to live, if there were parks nearby, what the commute was like and if the neighbours were suspicious-looking. And I am happy to report that we are happy with our new residence and location.
  • Alibi: You need one for murder. You also need one when you “accidentally” drop the ugly gravy boat your husband’s aunt gave you at the wedding. “Oh honey, I was cleaning up the bathroom. The wind must have blown it off the counter!”
  • Bleach will be involved: There is sooo much cleaning involved when moving a house. Clean up the old place, leave behind no personal belongings or a trace of your presence, toss out all the garbage. Much like a crime scene. Then, polish down the new place, make sure it looks like no one’s been there. Much like a dead body drop off location.
  • Getting help: You know what they say, “A good friend will help you move. A best friend will help you move a dead body”. I disagree because moving a dead body is a one time, backbreaking exercise. Moving a house on the other hand requires heavy lifting of multiple pieces of furniture, making a gazillion trips between the old and new locale, cleaning up all the mess left behind, taking responsibility for crap that breaks. Phew. Anyone will assist you with moving a dead body. Only a best friend would help you move a house. Thankfully I have a brother that I abused for this cause.
  • Furtive escape: Moving a house, as well as moving a dead body require you to be quiet and discreet. In the case of the latter, it’s obvious, don’t be loud if you don’t want to invite cops to your doorstep. In the case of moving a house though, it’s to ensure that you avoid having awkward goodbyes with neighbors you never really liked, or once reported to the building management due to noise, or whose dog you threatened to kill because of the excessive crapping in your front yard. If you can, try moving at midnight on a weeknight.
  • Stress is part of the game: Both moving houses as well as moving dead bodies involve a high level of stress. There are a gazillion things to think about and plan for. Did I change my address everywhere? Should I keep or toss out this hideous vase someone gave me? What are we going to eat during the week of the move? Where did I put my nail cutter? Did I pack my kid in one of the boxes accidentally? So much stress. And don’t get me started on the fatigue. Moving houses, much like moving a dead body is backbreaking hard work and you need a solid exit strategy out of the country right afterwards.

So there you have it. You’ll never be able to move a house again without thinking about moving a dead body. And you’re welcome.



14 thoughts on “Moving a Dead Body

  1. Pingback: Saturday Blog Share | welcometothenursery

  2. I feel you on this. Not only did we move, last October, after a long & grueling process of selling our house and buying a new one, but I’m also weirdly obsessed with forensics shows.

    In fact, I have a pretty good idea of what the police are looking for at this point. While I have no desire to hurt anyone, I feel I’d have a decent shot of getting away with it if I did, lol. Biggest insight: always carry out the crime as faithfully aligned to your cover story as possible (they can tell whether you broke the glass from the inside or outside of the house, and whether there should be footprints in the side-yard, so do a proper walkthrough instead of wildly making things up).

    Not sure how to relate that to moving, but you should probably disclose whether or not your kids once went nuts on the carpet with your lipstick.


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